I'm returning to this stupid dead blog!
Yep surprise! (:
It's been long since i posted.
So many things happened, expected or not.
I've been feeling heavy, so many unwanted feelings inside me.
All bottled up like last time, maybe worse than ever.
Next year changing class, I'm totally not happy.
It's painful to leave someone you trust, even though we're just friends for only 6months or more.
More painful to me, since I'm not really sociable person.
Dreadful to move on and find new friends, but dreadful to tell them how much they mean.
You get what i mean? Maybe or maybe not.
2011 is coming, Christmas just left.
Nothing worse can happen to a person who hates to change. Like me.
Truthfully, I'm afraid if I change, things will start to change.
Life will turn unstable, friends will leave me, I'll have nobody.
Will it happen ? I don't know and I don't want to know.
BEAST is my official k-pop idol group that i love the most.
Went to the airport to "fetch" them when they came for mnet.
Unfortunately, Junhyung wasn't looking at anyone.
He just look down with his sunglasses, smirk while hearing ppl scream.
Doojoon nearly got hit by the barricade thingy cause fans are too hyper.
He's eating lollipop, i know! How cute right!
I didn't get to see Yoseob's face, what else is worse.
Yeah i totally spazz for like few days.
I'm fan-girling, I admit it.

Maybe I should have listen, "Why bother having to "love" them want them when they don't even know you?" But no, I didn't listen. The excuse i comfort myself is "I rather love someone who doesn't know me and doesn't care than someone who know me and just doesn't bother to care about me." Seriously, which is better? I've no idea, I just want someone to know how it feels like being love and maybe not get hurt so much till I cry everyday. But no I'm getting greedier and greedier, I want the person who doesn't know/care about me to notice me once, smile at me once and maybe just wave. I hate how I'm like right now, so messed up. Maybe for once, could I be loved? No, I can't, I wasn't pretty enough, skinny enough, feminine enough, caring enough or brave enough to have someone to love me.

Sorry for rambling, all these shet out.
I'm just me, I'm human, I need love/care like anybody out there.
Why are you so mean/insensitive towards me?
Sometimes I wonder why can't I just get a guy who love me for who I am?
But no, they just can't accept who I am.
I can't help it but act like who I've been all these years, but not myself.
Who am I ? I have no idea either.
Maybe my true self is someone violent, anti-social, insensitive, immature, tough outside weak inside, cold and annoying. I don't even know if I'll be this way or not.

The only reason I've been reading fanfic/stories online is because I wish one day I'll be someone in the story. Someone who fall in love with their bestfriend and maybe the person love her back. With some drama around them, they'll finally be together, married and happy. Maybe my parents will talk to me about love, maybe they'll be as cool as modern people. Maybe when I'm in depression, I can talk to someone or just get some help. But no this is not reality, this is just stories made up by people who wants to be like them. Like me.

Being crazy about a band is the only thing that takes my mind away from this cruel world and maybe dream about something happy and impossible. At least i get to think about it, and not reminding myself how sad I'm thinking about them and they don't even know who I'm.