Memories aren't always we made out to be.
They're just how we perceive and think we experienced during the incident.
Often than not, we often exaggerate and make the experience however we want them to make us feel.


It's been almost 5 years since then.
I think I have avoided it for far way too long.
These memories have been hard on me.
My mind unconsciously put the blame on him, you know?
It's like I was blaming him for a full 2 years before reality hits me.
The truth did hit me hard, I couldn't stop feeling the guilt.
I was the one that was immature, starting a fight after..
I blame everything on him when I was a willing party.
It just haunts me how the r/s was so physical you know.
It makes me feel pathetic and used.
I felt like I was manipulated into the situation when I myself know that I put myself in that situation.
We both know we shouldn't have done what we have done.
But "love" blinded us at that moment.

I wasn't even sure "love" existed.
The feeling we felt was most probably built from time, you know?
There wasn't any sparks or connection on my side.
I wasn't touched when he do romantic stuff to me or buy things for me.
I mean I was happy about those things but it didn't affect me the way I think I should have been.
I didn't regret what I did.
We both know that's probably the best for both of us.
At least I hope he did.
It would have been destructive if it carried on.
The situation would have spun out of control.
We wouldn't be where we are today.
I am thankful for all the stuff we experienced together.

Letting this out on this blog is the only way I can get this off my chest.
The only way for me to move on with life.
And stop being so bloody pathetic,
He's probably the only few people that actually liked me.
I am thankful for that.
The security I felt, the happiness we made.
They're all worth it.



Clinging onto my mistakes wouldn't be a good idea.
I mean after the guilt made me do stupid things in 2011-2012?
Not worth all the trauma or pain.

One day, I will be able to get rid this emotional barrier I've placed up.
And not be afraid of it anymore.