It has been awhile since I started this blog.

It has come my attention that I haven't been able to bring myself to face the truth of the past.
I have been running away from it ever since it happened.
All I had done blaming myself for these few years.
I never bothered to find out what actually happened.

The truth isn't how things went by the way I remembered,
I think I was the only one not getting closure over this.
We both acknowledged our mistakes and moved on.
At least that's what I hoped happened.
I went back and read all those cringe-worthy disgusting posts I ever written.
I wasn't as mature as I thought I was.
When you're only 13-15years old, you behave like one.
No matter how hard you pretend or think you're mature, you're not.
All those words I used, all those things I do to grab attention.

Somehow acting that way allowed me to get friends.
And maturing right now is making me lose friends.
How ironic because I wasn't acting like myself then but I am now.
And somehow being yourself just get your more dislikes than likes.
Even if you have friends, it is rare to even find one that truly accept you as who you are.
Instead of trying to change who you are.

When you become older, it somehow becomes unnecessary to constantly stay in touch.
Then slowly but truly, you become distant and become an option to come to only when they need you.
Unfortunately, that's how the world works as of now.
Friends for a long time doesn't mean shit if they don't cherish you.
I understood that when I finally realize how shitty she treats me.
I know I should not tolerate this treatment.
But somehow being friends for so long just make me unwilling to take any action.
Maybe I should stop being the friend that is always available.
Because when people knows that, they only look for you when they have no one else.

Funny how we called each others friends but know nothing about each other at all.
The only things we rmbed were from the times we spent tgt.
Habits we both observed. Past we spent tgt.
I wondered if she ever noticed that and pretend she didn't.
Of course she did.
She always taken me as a fool that is desperate to be her friend.
How sad to know that I never match up to other friends she have.
Just because I am different. Just because I am not willing to do what they do.
Just because I am not willing to submit myself to "cool" things.
Just because I am me.
I wonder if I'll ever get over it.
I won't look at her in the same light again.

There're other people that cherish me more.
I think I shouldn't make myself suffer any longer.
It's time to stop being the friend that hide behind them.
I am no longer that me in the past.
Maybe she will realize that.

She never cherish this relationship the way I did.
All the effort I put in. You definitely can tell.
I would hate to lose such a long relationship.
But what is necessary has to be done.
For the benefit of me.


Maybe you will regret it once you know what you has lost.
Maybe you wouldn't even blink an eye.
It doesn't matter now.