I should have known.

Expected too much, fell too deep and now I'm broken.

Thank you for all the amazing memories in the past few years.
I have to apologize for ending our friendship in the way that I did it.

I was a coward, I was afraid of losing you.
But I still lost you.

Maybe it's true that guys and girls can never be just close friends.
Or I made a mistake that I shouldn't have.
Relied too much on you and ended up expecting too much.

I mustered my courage to look for you when I was breaking down in public.
It was a mistake.

Don't know what I was doing.
I didn't know who to look for at that time.
I thought of you because... idk why?


Maybe it's true I am someone who made use of other ppl.
I experienced the same heartbreak as I did when I broke up with him.

The same thought of being less deserving engulfed me.
I wasn't able to face anyone for the past 5 days.

I cried so many times in public.
Silently.

Hoping nobody will notice.

I'm back again.
I always felt that this is the only way of venting out any worries because I honestly don't think anyone can help me out?
Sometimes I wish people would read all the feelings I pour out after I bottled them for so long.
At the same time, I wouldn't know how to face them if I knew they knew all of my thoughts.

I feel absolutely disgusting.
I am so ashamed that the only time I can speak the truth of my feelings is when I am drunk.
And out of all people, I am always pouring my heart out to people who don't care.
I wish I wouldn't do it again?
Turning so vulnerable infront of others, is just not something I ever want to do again.




I feel so absolutely disgusting about myself,throwing myself all over on male strangers.
Yes I said it.
I am absolutely lonely for the past 5 years of my life.
Sometimes I wondered if there is anything wrong with me.
I must be that detestable that I am undateable.
But at the same time, I think I deserve more when deep down inside I know I don't.
Those temporary sense of security is so darn comforting that I can't help myself.
At that moment, I don't care if I am being taken advantage of.
Which scares me the most because I refuse to be someone like this?
And yet I do it whenever I am high.

I am what you call a hypocrite, I'll do almost anything to forget my loneliness for the moment.
By turning into such a easy girl.
This has to stop.
I can't feel ashamed and disgusting everything I wake up rmbing all that I've done.


I don't know what to think anymore.
Maybe I should reconsider being myself in public.
Because that seems to be the most detestable thing to everyone.

I am so goddamn lonely and sad.