슈엔, XUAN.
Hey. Everything on the blog is just what shit I face once in a while. Don't mind me, venting my anger and saying things that i couldn't say in real. I can blabber all about me at here or you can just find out for yourself.

"Dreams. We got enough that we can fill the tank And even if we gotta' break the bank; You know we're gonna TURN IT UP,TURN IT UP, TURN IT UP."
EMPTY SPACE.
"I can be tough, I can be strong. But with you, it's not like that at all. There's a girl that gives a shit; Behind this wall, you just walk through it"
"Shattered hearts"
I should have known.

Expected too much, fell too deep and now I'm broken.

Thank you for all the amazing memories in the past few years.
I have to apologize for ending our friendship in the way that I did it.

I was a coward, I was afraid of losing you.
But I still lost you.

Maybe it's true that guys and girls can never be just close friends.
Or I made a mistake that I shouldn't have.
Relied too much on you and ended up expecting too much.

I mustered my courage to look for you when I was breaking down in public.
It was a mistake.

Don't know what I was doing.
I didn't know who to look for at that time.
I thought of you because... idk why?


Maybe it's true I am someone who made use of other ppl.
I experienced the same heartbreak as I did when I broke up with him.

The same thought of being less deserving engulfed me.
I wasn't able to face anyone for the past 5 days.

I cried so many times in public.
Silently.

Hoping nobody will notice.
"Things I often question myself.."
I'm back again.
I always felt that this is the only way of venting out any worries because I honestly don't think anyone can help me out?
Sometimes I wish people would read all the feelings I pour out after I bottled them for so long.
At the same time, I wouldn't know how to face them if I knew they knew all of my thoughts.

I feel absolutely disgusting.
I am so ashamed that the only time I can speak the truth of my feelings is when I am drunk.
And out of all people, I am always pouring my heart out to people who don't care.
I wish I wouldn't do it again?
Turning so vulnerable infront of others, is just not something I ever want to do again.




I feel so absolutely disgusting about myself,throwing myself all over on male strangers.
Yes I said it.
I am absolutely lonely for the past 5 years of my life.
Sometimes I wondered if there is anything wrong with me.
I must be that detestable that I am undateable.
But at the same time, I think I deserve more when deep down inside I know I don't.
Those temporary sense of security is so darn comforting that I can't help myself.
At that moment, I don't care if I am being taken advantage of.
Which scares me the most because I refuse to be someone like this?
And yet I do it whenever I am high.

I am what you call a hypocrite, I'll do almost anything to forget my loneliness for the moment.
By turning into such a easy girl.
This has to stop.
I can't feel ashamed and disgusting everything I wake up rmbing all that I've done.


I don't know what to think anymore.
Maybe I should reconsider being myself in public.
Because that seems to be the most detestable thing to everyone.

I am so goddamn lonely and sad.

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